I looked at the clock and realized that once again I had been so absorbed with my writing that I had written myself into being late. I raced around the house gathering together the swimsuits, filling the water bottles and chopping the fruit for the cooler all the while trying desperately to hustle the boys. “Why aren’t your shoes in your cubby?” I yelled feeling the hysteria once again rising in my voice.
Glancing at the clock I saw that I was going to be late for my 15 minute meeting with an agent I was meeting through the Aspen Summer Words Writing Conference. That was it, my breaking point. It was all too much. It wasn’t working, this heroic attempt to enhance my writing career in the summer with a house full of boys and little to no help. I leaned against the wall and began to slide down it with tears welling in my eyes and as I did I thought to myself, “She slid down the wall in a rage of tears in the dark mudroom with nobody to save her from herself for after all, it was she who had created this life that she was living in.”
That’s the problem with being a writer, everything is material and I can’t escape conceptualizing all of my actions into script. “CUT,” I screamed inside my head having a flashback to my film days. “You’re doing it all wrong, start over.”
When I sat down to meet with Rob Spillman, Editor of Tin House Magazine and Executive Editor of Tin House Books, I apologized for being the only one who had not submitted my manuscript beforehand. Truth be known I had worked on the first three chapters of my book all day and night, changing the beginning three times and when I printed it out I threw it in the trash, submitting nothing.
Rob smiled at me and commiserated at the trials of mixing children with creative passions. “At least you’re dressed and not still in your pajamas,” he said with a smile and all of my tension melted away. I liked him immediately and wished that I could continue listening to him over breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Later I listened to him lead a panel discussion on the Publishing Industry. He told the audience to imagine the person reading the Query Letters that we sent in as being nerdy, socially inept Editors sitting in a dark room reading books all day. He highly recommended that we do our research and personalize the letter. He was right too, I know, I worked with those nerdy Editors at Simon & Schuster, but I LOVED them all and I spent as much time as I could in the Editing Department.
I left the Conference questioning the blogging path that I have been on thinking that I should quit blogging and focus more on getting published in periodicals. In fact, I should sell my ticket to BlogHer ’10 and save the money for another writing conference outside of Aspen where I could actually attend the full conference and not race between lectures and kids.
As the children and I drove home we discussed our new regime of working as a team. I informed them that for now on all meals would be prepared together and that cooking classes began that evening. While Brevitt worked on his grilling skills, Axel prepared the fruit and Tucker peeled the carrots and we all sat down to a wonderful dinner. After dinner Brevitt did the math homework that I had been trying to get him to work on for weeks and after that I did some well overdue grooming, cutting their hair and sending them to the bath remembering that this was what it felt like to mother my children. We discussed the new way that things were going to be around the house and how my new working hours would be from 6-9am and after they went to sleep instead of my current pattern of obsessively plugging away at the computer every chance I got. TV was going to be far more limited and the chore chart would once again emerge.
And so today will be a new beginning and my children will become my priority once again. They will no longer suffer from a completely harassed mother and I will no longer suffer from the guilt and pressure that I have been placing upon myself. At least it sounds good in theory! Okay, 9:01am STOP
I feel as if you are living my life sometimes! The tears, the frustration, the ever consuming guilt of some kind of failure. It’s awful. But it comes with the territory of being a good mother! I’m happy you are realizing your dream with your writing. That’s fantastic. I seem to be moving at a snail’s pace.
.-= Vivianne´s last blog ..A New View and an Epiphany =-.
I just had this conversation with my husband last night and a client this morning…I had the worst head ache last night and I realized that it is stress…this long awaited “carefree summer” somehow doesn’t feel that way. My older son came up with a great solution earlier this week…”let’s go boogie boarding Mom”…so I dropped everything else and took him to the beach…it made a world of difference and we had a blast. My solution: I’ve decided to declare my inbox “had a virus” so oops…I’m starting fresh with an empty inbox and new priorities for my summer…Boogie Boarding with my boys in San Clemente! I too, am setting aside my work time, communicating it to my family and getting a set schedule in place rather than letting “it” schedule me! The important business matters will surface and remember…lost time can’t be found! Thanks for your sharing what so many of us are feeling.
Jillian…I am so glad to know that I am not alone in the insanity. My husband has been in Colorado since the end of April (except for a weekend here and there) and I am trying to mother the three children, tie up loose ends at a part-time job and finish a book that is supposed to publish in the fall. The schedule has been key…and yours sounds just like mine. I write in the morning until 9 and then as soon as the kids go to bed I am back on the laptop. I am sneaking an extra hour right now…midday…but that is a special treat. You are an amazing mom…an amazing writer, and you’ll have the time for both when you need it! For me I just keep chanting…I can write ’til I die, but the kids are only kids for a little while. Hang in there!!
.-= Meagan´s last blog ..Watch Out Tooth Fairy!!! I Think It’s a Setup! =-.
Meagan, I can’t imagine summer without a husband, oh wait a minute…yes I can since my husband is pretty much MIA these days leaving and coming home at 7:30. But when he is around he is my escape and without that I might fly away to la la land.
That is so exciting that you will have a book published in the fall. I need to go investigate that further, after 9pm, on your website.
You are also truly amazing. Cheers to us my friend!
Taya, it’s funny, I was thinking of you the other day and wondering how you managed to be so successful with kids in tow, not very easily I guess!
I can’t wait to be at the beach for three weeks with the boys and play with them all day without being connected to anything electronic.
Vivianne, I guess no job is easy but I am certain that the rewards of being mothers are far greater than anything else…and so are the humps!
Don’t get me wrong, I too am moving at a snail’s pace.
Laughed so hard at your entry today (not at your misery but at the funny parts).I can tell I’m going to be in trouble, now that I’ve found your blog. Would love to see you before I leave Aspen. Fortunately I’m here for another week!
Hi Amanda, yes I see a budding friendship. Let me know your schedule next week and we’ll get together.
haha only one entry at 9.02am. Well done is all I can say. Schedules are hard to keep as life keep interfering but the fist day to go 2 minutes over is class!
Do not feel guilty, waste of time and kids only remember the good things anyway, like you sliding down a wall in movie style, to them you look like a star and you are one. xox Wilma
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Wilma on Our ego cannot exist in ‘Heaven on Earth’ =-.
Hi Wilma, it’s a slow process to dwindle down on an obsession but try I will.
As for being a star, sometimes I sparkle and sometimes I shoot!
you are a perfect mother
xo