Hugging and kissing my boys good night at the end of the day, I soak up their scent and the warmness of their ever changing bodies. Thumper begs me to stay with him until he falls asleep. With all the horrible images he has stored in his mind from the newspapers, he is afraid of somebody bombing our house. The creaks in the house do not help any. He asks me to tell him a story from when I was younger. It can be scary or funny, it’s my choice. It disturbs me that out of all the stories that have happened to me in my life I can only remember a selected few. He tells me
to put my “healing hands” on his head and scratch his back. I love him so much I want to cry.
If only I could have more individual time with each of them. They need this undivided love so much. I am hanging on for dear life to their cherished innocence and love for me. It is flying by way to fast. If I don’t establish a closeness with them now, than what kind of relationship will we have when they are moody teenagers? I have been forewarned that boys leave their mothers for a while when they hit puberty. They are silent and introverted. The mothers that warn me of this assure me that it doesn’t matter how close you are with them now. Boys will feel the need to distance themselves from their mother’s in order to grow up in the world. When this happens, I want them to go away knowing that we have a special relationship that they will always need to return to.
I lay awake at night thinking about when they were fumbling little toddlers. I would throw the ball at them and they would look at me with a big smile with their arms stretched out. When the ball would hit them in the head or land at their feet they would look at me and ask, “What happened mommy?” I can’t believe it now, but I couldn’t wait for them to be old enough to actually catch and throw the ball.
Thumper at nine is now learning all about football and watching it with his daddy, and I love that bonding. This is it!! This is part of what raising children is about – Having a 9, 7 and 4 year old. We are in the throws of FAMILY. The boys still want us around. Still love going on adventures with us – scratch that, once they are actually on the adventure with us they are happy but to get them in on the plan is a major whiny experience.
So, what I am trying to say? Growing up I always had daydreams of playing and laughing in a field with my children and my husband and then having a picnic and playing board games. Well, here I am…there, and hanging on to it with every breath because I know that it will all be over soon and I am beginning to panic.
I don’t want another life. I like this life where my children are my being. Even though I am ignoring Hootie-Hoo so that I can write, I still like to know that they are here, with me, forever!! With this panic comes the realization that there are so many wonderful things out there to explore with the boys and I have not even begun to tap into them yet. I have little companions to go on walks in the woods with, snowshoe, explore ski trails with, etc… I need to get on it!