Being a Mother Can be Frustrating
I woke up this morning at 5:00am to write my children’s story. Somehow Wade and I miraculously got Brevitt and Axel off to school without waking up Tucker. I was blessed with another hour of writing time and was getting totally absorbed into this magical world when I saw a little boy in pajamas and very long legs strut by my office. I was so happy to see my sweet little boy but so hormonal and not in the mood to cater to his litany of requests all day. I have had nine years of playing with building blocks and making forts and today I was needing mommy time. “I’m ready to make projects today momma” he stated with his little innocent voice. I wanted to scream, “But I’ve been there, done that and I am ready to move on!”.
Some days I wake up and seriously feel inadequate as a mother. Waking up to snow this morning did not help matters any. Refusing to turn on the TV for Tucker, I had no choice but to screech my creativity to a halt and transfer it to activities with a glue gun and Tucker. I was determined to get rid of his congestion today so I got out the juicer, a box of tissues, a heap of books and any other materials I could find and we were on our way to a very productive day. We studied the Universe and built our own solar system by cutting and pasting planets onto a black background.
I explained to him the concept of genetics and I wished I could get inside his little curious head to see all of the images that popped up as he interpreted all of the information. “Genes are passed down through our DNA and that is why your eye lashes are like mommy’s and your chicken legs are like Daddy’s”, I explained.
His death question of the day was, “When all the leaves fall off the trees is when we die, right mommy?” I told him that we don’t die until we are crimped over and can barely walk from old age, which is a long time from now.
I left Wade this evening with the beginnings of a gourmet dinner that he needed to finish on the stove. I was in desperate need of fresh air and friends. I glanced over at him to say goodbye and saw him staring out the window at his naked boys rolling around in the mud happy as pigs in shit (we are trying to figure out how we are going to pay for sod). He questioned into the air, “Did I use to do that?” “By my love”, I sang as I escaped out the door.
My friends and I began our conversation, as usual, expressing how we were in dire need of a hike. We admitted that we don’t want this time to pass and we love being with our little ones but that we do crave uninterrupted creative time to ourselves. We agreed that the hardest part of motherhood is that we are rot with guilt all the time. When we are with the children we cry for freedom as we frantically look for their shoes or their socks to get us out the door but when we have our freedom we cry that they are growing up. We discussed how women back in the fifties and sixties could never go off with their girlfriends for a hike once a week and how we have it easy in this modern world. Nevertheless, we agreed that raising children is no easy task and a challenge for most of us.
When I got home I could hear Wade reading books to the boys upstairs. I so badly wanted to kiss them goodnight but had a head full of stories and needed to write it all down. I snuck into my office waiting for my big Brevitt to show up. He always hears when I come home and tonight he wrapped his warm body around me to give me a huge hug and kiss goodnight. I promised that I would come visit him when I was done and that I would not publish any of the photos of him naked in the mud.
Tucker and I ended up having a wonderful day together and I am thankful that I was able to change my mindset and get immersed in the wonders of my four year old. I sadly know that when he is gone in school full time, these are the days that I will remember, especially if I write them all down.
(The boys in the mud outside)