Date First Then Sex

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Date First Then Sex

I have been living with a man and three boys for what seems like forever and although I love them very much, it often gets a bit tiresome living with cavemen.

Waking up to a honking, tooting, furry beast makes marriage feel a bit archaic at times. Were we really designed to live with men day in, day out or was the initial intention for men and women to take care of each other on more of a sporadic schedule that would fit in somewhere between hunting and gathering. On that note, I have one question, if boys and men were hunters, why the fuck can’t they find the gallon jug of milk in the fridge? Is it because it’s not mooing?

The other morning I walked in to the kitchen to find Baddy looking slightly distraught and disheveled. When I asked him what was the matter he sadly begged once again for me to buy him the imitation spreadable butter. I inquired as to why he didn’t like the spreadable real butter that I kept for him at room temp in the French Butter Keeper. He looked at me with his puppy dog beautiful eyes and said that it just didn’t taste like the fake butter.

I have tried to bring more natural and organic food into our home but the family always fights me on it. When I was buying raw milk from Maisy the cow, who lived at the ranch behind our house, they would scour at me as they drank it saying that it tasted too much like a fat cow. I was fighting a losing battle.

I decided that Baddy and I needed to break out of our perfunctory routine and go out on a date. We love watching silly, funny movies together, like Old School and we were excited to see The Hangover. Baddy, who has been told numerous times that he reminds people of Will Farrell, likes these movies because he relates to the characters and he lives vicariously through them. The plan was to go out for appetizers and on to the movie.  After the movie, we would indulge on more food and drinks. Ok, that was my plan anyway, Baddy had more lustful ambitions for the evening.

As soon as I finished getting dressed he started to give me his look. I acknowledged the look and gave him my look back that said, “you’ll get yours when I’m good and ready, and not before”. I had just gotten dressed and I was not about to take it all off again. It felt good to dress nicely for once and of course and I wasn’t about to spuge juice all night long on our hot day. The guy had to work for it!

We went to a local Mexican restaurant and turned up the mood for the movie. When Baddy went to tip the waitress he grabbed my wallet and observed that I had lots of one dollar bills.  He asked me if I had secretly been dancing late night, after he fell asleep. I reassured him that he was indeed married to a homely wife who never went out and the dollars were because I owed the kids money from their chores and had the bank break a ten dollar bill for me.

It felt good to laugh at the movie and we emerged ready to continue the evening, Baddy patiently filling my need for intimate conversation and I ignoring his need for intimate fornication.

Finally, there was a pause in our conversation and Baddy quickly motioned for the check. When I woke up the next morning I expected to see my furry beast snoring away but what I found was a peacefully sleeping beautiful man and I felt lucky that I was married to him. All it took was one evening alone with him to erase the cave man persona. I’m thankful to have friends that will take all three of our boys and look forward to our next opportunity to have another etaway.

4 COMMENTS

  1. Ah, date night. Does wonders for the furry beast, doesn’t it? haha! Back in the day of hunters/gatherers the men lived together, the women lived together – getting together for “dates” as needed. Somebody somewhere got this whole idea of living together in one home, with kids, by yourselves as a family and we’ve been trying to figure it all out ever since! Whoever coined “master bedroom” should be shot! Don’t get me started……:)

  2. Hey Jillian,

    Thanks, that is terrific, keep up the hysterical commentaries that we can
    all relate to – our cow was named Daisy and the kids held their nose to
    drink it every day!!

    I forwarded this link to Paula. Did you reach her, I keep forgetting to
    ask her….

    Also, had funny memory come up in conversation with my kids the other day
    about getting a driver’s license. Do you recall that we both flunked our
    driver’s tests on the same day because neither of us could parallel park?

    I think it was you….

    ciao.Nadine

  3. Jill…
    I LOVE IT!! My ex-husband is the same way! Has been that way for the 15 years I’ve known him! He will always be like that. Yes, I said ex, but we are still GREAT friends and hang out all the time.

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