In our gorgeous new home, Baddy had built me a beautiful office with a huge window facing South. It was situated directly next to the kitchen so I could jut in and out preparing meals and writing all in the same breath, in full multi-tasking overload.
Baddy’s office on the other hand, is outside our property in the spooky old barn (he really is a badass). His office consisted of nothing more than a desk and char and a fax maching.
I put my boots on and trudged out through the new snow to send a 137 paged fax to our mortgage company to try and get a refi. Walking into the dark, unheated barn with a meat hook hanging menacingly from the ceiling, I tried not to think of Baddy sardonically threatening to hang me there as a trophy if I continued to push his buttons.
I swirled round and round in his office chair making smoke rings as the cogs in the fax machine began to squeak. As I waited for the fax to be completed, I suddenly felt the hair prickle up on my neck. I wasn’t alone.
I sat there frozen in the chair as the adrenaline pumped through my body. My heart was thumping so hard I thought it may just abruptly stop. Closing my eyes I took a deep breath,
I breathed out a muted “Hello,” the word floating up into the air.
I had communicated with him many times before but had never actually felt his presence.
….and then he spoke, “I knew that you would show up sooner or later.”
I felt a slight warm breeze on my neck and I could hear my heart beating within my own chest. He was directly behind me, enveloping my being with his presence. My impulse to run out of the barn into the blinding white snowstorm was hard to resist but I had been waiting for this moment for so long and I was melting in his presence, unable to resist him.
Closing my eyes again I waited for his words.
‘….why aren’t you scared anymore?”
“I guess I have grown to trust you,” I responded.
“Tell me…why do you feel the need to beat me up when you are sending me a message?” Stinging me with a bee or knocking my head on the corner of the counter?” I asked.
“….Because you are stubborn and it is the only way I know to get my message across to you to stop.”
“I am never certain that it really is you sending the message or just my conscience,” I said.
“Can you tell me something? Can you tell me who you are and why you have chosen me to guide and protect?”
“You already know who I am.”
“Yes, but do I really? I have so many questions to ask you but am afraid to hear the truth.”
“Jillian, you already know all the answers. You just have to believe in yourself, and in me.”
“Can I see you at least?”
“We have been together many times before, in your dreams.”
“I love you, you know,” I said
“Yes, I know,” he replied.
“Jillian, there is something important that I have to tell you before I go.”
“Are you sure I’m ready for it? I mean, maybe I am not cut out for this and am better remaining innocent.”
“Jillian, you are not like the rest.”
Just at that moment the door flung open and Baddy blew in from the cold outdoors. He glanced over at the fax machine and back to my face assuming my paleness was from our financial stress.
I told him that I was waiting for him to save me from myself as he always has done and always will do for me.
I came out of the barn needing to feel the ground beneath my feet. Slowly, slowly I walked back to the house.