Fantasies of a Mother

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Fantasies of a Mother

Baddy and I got robbed of the opportunity to celebrate our Anniversary together so the other night I reenacted the plan, only by myself, by going to Carbondale and sitting by myself at the bar at Phat Thai and having a glass of red wine for dinner, and then I went to see the film, 500 Days Of Summer.

When an attractive young man sat down alone right next to me I began day dreaming about the what ifs…and imagined what it would be like to still be single and living in New York City, which brought me to thinking about one of my favorite movies, “After Hours,” where a man by happenstance travels outside of his secure box of the upper east side of the city and travels downtown. The entire evening he cannot make it back home as he gets thrown into weird, bazaar and sexual scenarios, idea not too far fetched for that glorious city. Sometimes I get so depressed that my life of spontaneity is oh so very OVER.

As a true romanticist I tend to drive Baddy crazy with my fantasizing leading him into fantasy games asking questions like;

Playing
What if we didn’t know each other and I was your waitress at a restaurant? Would we have that magnetic attraction? Would we do it in the bathroom? What if I was your boss at the magazine and you came into my office and I was bending over in a tight pencil skirt? What would you do? What if I worked for you and I wore low, sexy tops and flirted with you? Would you be able to control yourself and keep your hands off of me?

Creating these scenarios helps to spark the animal magnetism that I have always had for Baddy, but he is not so keen on playing, reminding me that only women fantasize like that. I’m calling bull crap on that one. You?

With this cooler weather and the inability to have any time to myself, my passions are resurfacing full force. I am fed up with the daily mundane tasks of cooking, cleaning and caring for everybody, did I really sign up for this life? Wasn’t I once a traveler and an adventurer? Didn’t I at one time in my life thrive off of an occasional wild romantic interlude with a stranger? Yes…as a matter of fact, yes I did.

I wrote an email to my oldest sister in Boston requesting her to escape with me to an island where we pack nothing but: my lap top for writing, bikinis, flip flops, any necessary fashionable accessories and a few great novels. We would wake up in the morning and take a two hour run on the beach and then fall asleep in our lounge chairs with our hands caressing the soft sand. We could drool and snore loudly  with our mouths open because we would be incognito, total strangers in a strange land where nobody would have to know our marital situation, or that I had three crazy boys running amuck at home.

In the afternoons we would hang out at the Tiki Hut Bar and drink fresh boat drinks while talking to the philosophical bartender with degrees in Psych and philosophy and laugh as we objectively analyze all of the bullshit that we have to deal with in our lives at home.

At night we would dress in our sexy sundresses and make a stir at the local dive bar, slam dancing to the local rock band, and when we were through meeting and playing with all of the locals we would stumble home under the warm tropical breeze and laugh until we cry, like we did when we were in high school.

When we would not be drinking, running, drooling or reading, I  would write to my hearts content and figure it all out…life, marriage, kids. And when I got truly good and bored I would return home refueled and ready to be the mother that I am meant to be.

What??? A girl can dream can’t she???

14 COMMENTS

  1. There’s a lot of dreaming floating around the ethers today! I’m all for it. I love the way your mind works… When I dream, I dream of things I have yet to accomplish (finding the perfect partner & having a life together, becoming a published author with five or six books under her belt, mastering various yoga moves that still elude me).

    Reading this was like a fun escape from my world, so thanks, Jillian!

  2. Why did you have to post this today….the day when I’m dreaming of something so similar and knowing it cannot come to fruition? At least not for nearly 18 years. Well, I guess I might be able to take off for some fun when they’re older….but then the guilt factor of NOT letting them tag along would eat at me. OH, to be a mother….gag.

    • We all share the same dreams when we are so devoted to our families. We’ll still be fun when they go off to school, maybe miserable with the empty nest syndrome for a while but once that wears off, I’m sure we will be ready for the quiet, leisurely life.

  3. Yes, she can and must. I’m so grateful I got to live that crazy, single, totally over-the-top, anonymous-whenever-I-wanted-it-to-be NYC life for as long as I did. Gourmet disappearing, made me realize, OMG, I couldn’t go back even if I wanted to. But, fantasize I do. I think back and smile about the secrets, the fun, the best of it.

    I didn’t want to miss out on being a mom. I’m really glad I didn’t. But, not being able to run out or away for a thrill or an adventure is so life altering. It’s the hardest part of motherhood and…marriage.

  4. I hear you. I do this a lot thinking about what would my life be if I would not stayed in this country.
    But I do not regred any day I love my husband and I have a Beautiful daughter and I have met great People inluding you and your family.
    Dreaming is allowed I think

    • Daniela, I am glad that you are happily living with your husband and adorable daughter in America. How cool is it that your au pair job led you to all of this?? Just goes to show you where adventure will take you in your life. Don’t give up the traveling.

  5. I think my ability to fantasize was the only thing that kept me sane when I was going thru the stage you’re in! I’m ashamed now that I wasn’t “fully present” as I strive to be now in my Zen practice, but a woman’s gotta do what a woman’s gotta do. It really WASN’T fulfilling to me at the time, I craved my solitude incessantly. I feel your pain!

  6. There must be something in the air. You summed up exactly the way so many of us are feeling right now! Oh to run to a warm sunny place…unfettered and free. Sunblock in one hand and a book in the other!

    Loved reading this post!

  7. Your thoughts and dreams are the key to what will make you happy. Listen to them, find ways to make them happen, if not true to every detail, then in the spirit of them. Do not bury what you want. You deserve it.

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