There’s a quiet buzz of concern you can hear, if you listen carefully, in the conversations of many parents in our valley about the health of our youth. Last year, while on the board of the Valley Partnership for Drug Prevention, I tried to start a movement with executive director Michael Connolly. We launched a Parent to Parent Alliance to empower our community to raise healthy youth.
Together, we put impressive committees in place, coordinated meetings, brought in counselors and educators to answer questions and concerns and created campaigns to change social norms. But without funding and broad support, I had to stop leading the Alliance. Instead, I decided to keep writing here on Aspen Real Life, and I hope to bring in guest speakers and educators to talk about parenting our youth.
As word got out about our efforts, I heard from parents frustrated with handling their teens and the angry repercussions of enforcing consequences. Other parents admitted it was hard to hold their kids back from experimenting, since they did the same thing at that age. There’s also the common philosophy that kids need to learn responsibility through trial and error, and while I can relate to these sentiments, Baddy and I agree that we need to do what we can to keep our children safe.
What the Science Says
Neuropsychiatrist and best-selling author Daniel Siegel points out that although adolescents are physically stronger and healthier than at almost any other time of life, they are far more likely to be injured or killed by preventable causes, because this is a period when they take risks that stimulate the brain’s dopamine reward system.
Today’s research on the developing adolescent brain keeps my husband and me on the same page about being mindful and present as parents and setting parameters for our boys, with their input. According to the Valley Partnership for Drug Prevention, studies show that a teen who has a first drink at 15 is far more likely to eventually become addicted, and that kids who start using at 14 face a significantly higher risk of substance addiction. Add family history, and the odds go up.
My Top Ten List
As I continue my mission to keep our boys on the right track, I’ve learned so much that could help other parents. Here’s my top ten list to get you started:
- Begin conversations about drugs and alcohol between the ages of 9 and 13. It’s important to reach your children while they’re still listening, BEFORE freshman year.
- Be on the same page as parents. If a kid sees that two parents don’t agree on discipline, they’ll find the holes and creep through them.
- Get out of your children’s way. If you have any kind of addiction, be honest with yourself. Is your vice getting in the way of parenting? If so, get help so you can help your kids.
- Keep them doing what they love. According to Siegel, children are generalists who become specialists in adolescence. It’s a use-it-or-lose-it principle, so keep those circuits firing.
- Keep your kids busy so they don’t have time to get bored.
- Learn how the adolescent brain develops, including how novelty is one of the biggest drivers of dopamine release in teens.
- Push for engaging schools. Because teens’ dopamine reward system works differently, middle and high school educators need to keep the school experience interesting.
- Stay in touch with the parents of your child’s peers. Don’t be afraid to call and check that your children are where they say they are.
- Be absolutely clear about where you stand on drugs. Don’t create false dilemmas by thinking that letting kids party in your home keeps them safe.
- Don’t try to be their friend, and please, please, please don’t buy them alcohol or give them drugs if they’re underage. (If you’re buying my kid alcohol, Baddy and I will personally come over and shame you on the nearest Aspen street corner. Trust me.)
